Tennessee Terry

If Danny McBride, Matt Walsh, and Paul Teutul Sr. were to somehow combine their DNA and fertilize the egg of an aged, overweight redneck with their man yogurt, the world would be blessed with the gentleman pictured above. Allegedly uninterested in his appearance or how the world views him, this stereotypical hillbilly fits nearly all of the conventions related to handlebar-wearing hicks across these United States. His NASCAR hat and Wal-Mart undershirt (worn as a sweatshirt) are laughable to say the least, but ignorance is what defines a true redneck - and with lunch options ranging from Arabic to Vietnamese and everything in between, our friend Terry has opted for the BK Triple Combo from Burger King. Way to stay true to your heritage, friend.

Frozen In Time

In 1983, before Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown were close friends, Jamie Armstrong got his hands on Dr. Brown's DeLorean and made himself a prototype. Jamie wasn't able to get his hands on any plutonium for the nuclear reactor though, because of the fact that the Libyan terrorists were after Dr. Brown and were the only source for plutonium at that time. After a couple of years of development and finally obtaining some plutonium, Jamie was able to blast into 2009 where he was able to meet his now 29 year old daughter! In a strange twist of fate, after this photo was taken Jamie was arrested for sexually assaulting his daughter in the washroom.

Prince Of Persia

A casual reader of this blog may think that our photographer asked this handsome devil to pose for the above photograph. This would in fact be entirely untrue; young Shahraman is simply presenting - a common mating ritual in Persian culture. We can only hope that Shahraman is able to elude his nemesis, Jaffar, through this busy shopping mall during the Holidays - for at the Zellers exit, trapped in a Self-Checkout lineup, is his Princess.

Casual Friday

A quick dart before heading home for the weekend on casual Friday. Is there anything better? Well, Ron can definitely think of a few things:

1. Hitting the pub en route home for a quick half-dozen pints.
2. Sexually harassing the hostesses, waitresses and eventually the busboy until he is asked to leave.
3. Driving home, parking the Camry on the front lawn, and stumbling inside to a furious wife and miserable deadbeat teenagers who have no respect for him.
4. Passing out in his armchair with a pint glass of rye in one hand, and his John Thomas in the other.

Godspeed Ron, you're an inspiration to us all.

Goofy Gregory

At 6'4" and 163 pounds, Gregory is by no means a brute force - except when it comes to lady killing. His huge ears, receding hairline, terrible posture and ridiculous grin all combine to give his duster an excellent home to sit upon. What is also astonishing is how much fun Gregory seems to be having at a Safety Inspectors tradeshow - good on you Goofball!

Intrigued

Groucho Marx originated the look, and Eric Glover is trying to perfect it. The spectacles have long complimented a fine soup strainer, enabling those who sport the look to essentially hide their true identity behind a mask of facial hair and a set of wiry frames. His colleagues call him "The Glove", and would like nothing more than to hear some of the witty banter he is so famous for around the work site. Not today unfortunately folks - as is outlined in this picture, The Glove is mesmerized by the Key Note Speaker at this tradesmen's conference in Northern Alabama - and his focus won't be shifted come hell or high water.

Gary From Gainesville

Always an easy spot to find a good push broom, the all-you-can-eat buffet is generally filled with portly gentlemen who pride themselves on their boilermakers and ability to name the top 10 NASCAR drivers by name, number and sponsor. Gary here shows us that classy Floridian retirees can also join the ranks of The Travelling Secretary, Walrus II, and Soup Strainer: Defined. Be careful though Gary, as the largest males of a species have been known to attack the smaller, more feeble of the group in order to survive.

Flying Feather Duster

Church, Croquet and a piping hot chai tea latte round off a nice little Sunday for Eric Andrews. After arriving home to find his teen aged son playing tummy sticks with the neighbour boy from down the street on Friday evening, Eric, who is a single father of three, decided that he would book himself a trip down to Arizona for a relaxing getaway filled with golfing, poolside daiquiris, and Yellow Pages escorts that will satisfy his desires without asking questions. Those escorts always love a good moustache ride!

Showroom Pushbroom

"Listen Jim; we're talking about the Riobel Emco II. This isn't your Moms' old faucet. It's got a half inch male inlet NPT, it's made of solid brass, and comes with a ceramic cartridge. We're not talking about the Cadillac of faucets - we're talking about the Rolls Royce of faucets. With a maximum flow of 2.2 gallons per minute, how can we possibly go wrong? I've been in this business for thirty six years and I have never seen something so beautiful. When corporate gets their mitts on this beauty they'll be spraying loads like my grandson at prom."

Soup Strainer: Defined

Urban Dictionary defines "soup strainer" as A long moustache that hangs over the upper lip, tending to catch stray food particles as they travel into the mouth. Above are two shots that we here at USSS have been holding in our back pocket for many weeks. One of our in-house hunters has captured these incredibly risky and stunning shots of a soup strainer of monumental proportions not only catching food particles, but actually STRAINING SOUP! You will notice this portly gentleman, who happens to be enjoying an all-you-can-eat buffet, first acquiring his soup and then shoving it down his gullet. Extra points for his shiny, billiard ball head and tinted eyeglasses worn indoors.

Manuel The Manager's Mexican Moustache

Being a Senior Busboy Manager at the San Antonio Best Western has been a challenge for Manuel, considering his lack of Citizenship, lengthy criminal record, and complete deficiency of social skills. His nineteen year climb to the top has had many hurdles, but his commitment to the trade is unparalleled. On this warm summer evening, Manuel is training a newcomer, his cousin Antonio, who recently "relocated" from across the border in San Buenaventura, Mexico. After this intense twenty minute training session; which includes tasks such as restocking bread baskets, clearing dishes, and resetting tables; Manuel is planning on teaching Antonio the finer points of moustache trimming. Please note the attempted pencil moustache that was quite obviously rushed - most likely because Manuel was late for his shift.

Travelling Secretary

Meet Stevie Jones - the travelling secretary for Mike Henton, President of NASCAR. Stevie's hobbies include driving his Ford F350 dually Super Cab up north to go sleddin', watching NASCAR races, eating ribs, and sleeping. He enjoys long drives around the office on his motorized wheelchair, and is a career-oriented professional who travels across these United States organizing travel plans for his celebrity employer. Stevie also enjoys a Gentleman's Jack, straight up, in a short glass. He will only smoke Winston Select cigarettes, and will not abide by or adapt to any of these new "No Smoking" laws being put in place throughout the major U.S. cities. If you run into Stevie, offer to join him at a Shoney's Buffet - legend has it he once ate Shoney's for every meal of every day over the course of a ten day business trip.

2009 Softchoice Soup Strainer Competition: Winner!

Wow, what a week! The 2009 Softchoice Soup Strainer Competition was an unparalleled event worthy of full CNN coverage, but USSS was steadfast in securing the rights to this competition of biblical proportions. After some impressive entries from the good folks over at Softchoice Corporation, our six judges were delighted to announce that Bill Laverty came out victorious!

Kudos to Andrew Campbell for his Silver Medal finish, and a special thanks to all who participated. We are already preparing for the 2010 event, and look forward to an even bigger turnout!

2009 Softchoice Soup Strainer Contest

Toronto, ON - It is with great pleasure and excitement that we are able to announce that Ubiquitous Soup Strainer Seeker has been chosen as the official judges in the 2009 Softchoice Corporation Moustache Contest, taking place on Thursday October 22nd. With stiff competition and numerous participants, this promises to be one of the premier corporate moustache events of the year. We are humbled and honoured to have been chosen by Softchoice as the official judges of the contest. Keep your eyes peeled late next week as we choose finalists, and ultimately the "Softchoice Soup Strainer" of 2009 in this Battle Royale.

Wetback Whistle

Alejandro Ruiz spends six days a week tending to the opulent gardens of Dr. and Mrs. Forsyth. His meticulous attention to detail and the passion he shows for his trade have kept him employed at their San Mateo estate for the past eighteen years. Thankfully, every year around Christmas, the Forsyth's treat Alejandro to a $200 gift certificate at The Chocolate Factory in downtown San Francisco. With his wife by his side, Alejandro proudly hops off the streetcar to his uptown apartment where he can spoil the couple's seven children with the fruits of his labour.