Subway Sri

After an exhausting overnight shift at the local peanut distribution factory, there isn't much else Bandula Towraghondi wants in this world, asides from a hot cup of tea with a sprinkling of doda stirred in. Two subways, two buses and a fifteen minute walk from his house, you can sense the anticipation in Bandula as he clasps his hands together firmly. Remember this name, because years from now you will read about Bandula; when he decides to murder each one of his eight family members sharing the three bedroom home he lives in, then takes his own life. True story.

London Bobby

Toiling diligently, as I am wont to do (on rare occasions), my colleagues made me aware of a moustache of epic proportions passing by our booth at the PGA Show in Orlando. I hustled to get out in front of the gentleman sporting the duster and attempted to covertly take a photograph using my cell phone. Soon thereafter, I realized that it was going to be impossible to get a photo of decent quality without being made. At that point, I had but only one recourse - I had to stop him and ask him to take his picture. I know, radical thinking - the spirit of USSS is to capture these beasts in their natural habitat unbeknownst to their owners. It was either come clean or risk not getting a photo - one look at the moustache and it's obvious that I had no choice. I could not run the risk of missing the opportunity to capture this Bobby stache on film. So I interrupted him, explained the spirit of USSS and given his massive stache pride, he now felt that he had no choice but to graciously allow me to take his photo.

Thanks to Duster M. Hunter, MBA for his captivating story and photograph.

Sunday Brunch

It's a tradition that's older than even his leather jacket. Family joining together and embracing one another's company as their busy weeks and weekends are coming to a close. Many different races and classes of people have their own forms of brunch, but this ritual has deep Caucasian roots. Upper-class Cakers will enjoy quiche and fresh fruits, as well as a selection of hot teas, coffees, fruit juice and Mimosa's. Then of course, there are the "class-impaired" - where the gentleman pictured above fits in. His family spends Sundee down in the Big City (still considered cottage country in most people's minds - think Barrie, Ontario). The menu of choice after loading the kids in the pickup to head down? How 'bout the Ham Omelet Sandwich, Sausage Biscuit, Hash Browns and French Toast Stick?

Stereotypical dirtbag redneck hick. No offense.

Ernie & Fran Plus 15

Ahh, the Deep South. Could Wal-Mart ask for a better spokesperson? Ernie's trailer is one of the better-kept ones, considering he has lived there since 1962. His wife of 48 years takes care of her three children, eight grandchildren, and the four new bundles of joy that have made Ernie a Great Grandpa. Six loafs of bread and a case of soda will definitely tide everyone over for the next week, as Ernie has just spent his entire Disability check in one fell swoop. It's a shame his fucking degenerate, meth-addicted daughters can't seem to make a dime prostituting themselves...

Although a rare sighting in the North East, Ernie's voluptuous mane of a walrus duster is commonplace in the Dirty South.

Tennessee Terry

If Danny McBride, Matt Walsh, and Paul Teutul Sr. were to somehow combine their DNA and fertilize the egg of an aged, overweight redneck with their man yogurt, the world would be blessed with the gentleman pictured above. Allegedly uninterested in his appearance or how the world views him, this stereotypical hillbilly fits nearly all of the conventions related to handlebar-wearing hicks across these United States. His NASCAR hat and Wal-Mart undershirt (worn as a sweatshirt) are laughable to say the least, but ignorance is what defines a true redneck - and with lunch options ranging from Arabic to Vietnamese and everything in between, our friend Terry has opted for the BK Triple Combo from Burger King. Way to stay true to your heritage, friend.

Frozen In Time

In 1983, before Marty McFly and Dr. Emmett Brown were close friends, Jamie Armstrong got his hands on Dr. Brown's DeLorean and made himself a prototype. Jamie wasn't able to get his hands on any plutonium for the nuclear reactor though, because of the fact that the Libyan terrorists were after Dr. Brown and were the only source for plutonium at that time. After a couple of years of development and finally obtaining some plutonium, Jamie was able to blast into 2009 where he was able to meet his now 29 year old daughter! In a strange twist of fate, after this photo was taken Jamie was arrested for sexually assaulting his daughter in the washroom.

Prince Of Persia

A casual reader of this blog may think that our photographer asked this handsome devil to pose for the above photograph. This would in fact be entirely untrue; young Shahraman is simply presenting - a common mating ritual in Persian culture. We can only hope that Shahraman is able to elude his nemesis, Jaffar, through this busy shopping mall during the Holidays - for at the Zellers exit, trapped in a Self-Checkout lineup, is his Princess.

Casual Friday

A quick dart before heading home for the weekend on casual Friday. Is there anything better? Well, Ron can definitely think of a few things:

1. Hitting the pub en route home for a quick half-dozen pints.
2. Sexually harassing the hostesses, waitresses and eventually the busboy until he is asked to leave.
3. Driving home, parking the Camry on the front lawn, and stumbling inside to a furious wife and miserable deadbeat teenagers who have no respect for him.
4. Passing out in his armchair with a pint glass of rye in one hand, and his John Thomas in the other.

Godspeed Ron, you're an inspiration to us all.

Goofy Gregory

At 6'4" and 163 pounds, Gregory is by no means a brute force - except when it comes to lady killing. His huge ears, receding hairline, terrible posture and ridiculous grin all combine to give his duster an excellent home to sit upon. What is also astonishing is how much fun Gregory seems to be having at a Safety Inspectors tradeshow - good on you Goofball!

Intrigued

Groucho Marx originated the look, and Eric Glover is trying to perfect it. The spectacles have long complimented a fine soup strainer, enabling those who sport the look to essentially hide their true identity behind a mask of facial hair and a set of wiry frames. His colleagues call him "The Glove", and would like nothing more than to hear some of the witty banter he is so famous for around the work site. Not today unfortunately folks - as is outlined in this picture, The Glove is mesmerized by the Key Note Speaker at this tradesmen's conference in Northern Alabama - and his focus won't be shifted come hell or high water.

Gary From Gainesville

Always an easy spot to find a good push broom, the all-you-can-eat buffet is generally filled with portly gentlemen who pride themselves on their boilermakers and ability to name the top 10 NASCAR drivers by name, number and sponsor. Gary here shows us that classy Floridian retirees can also join the ranks of The Travelling Secretary, Walrus II, and Soup Strainer: Defined. Be careful though Gary, as the largest males of a species have been known to attack the smaller, more feeble of the group in order to survive.

Flying Feather Duster

Church, Croquet and a piping hot chai tea latte round off a nice little Sunday for Eric Andrews. After arriving home to find his teen aged son playing tummy sticks with the neighbour boy from down the street on Friday evening, Eric, who is a single father of three, decided that he would book himself a trip down to Arizona for a relaxing getaway filled with golfing, poolside daiquiris, and Yellow Pages escorts that will satisfy his desires without asking questions. Those escorts always love a good moustache ride!

Showroom Pushbroom

"Listen Jim; we're talking about the Riobel Emco II. This isn't your Moms' old faucet. It's got a half inch male inlet NPT, it's made of solid brass, and comes with a ceramic cartridge. We're not talking about the Cadillac of faucets - we're talking about the Rolls Royce of faucets. With a maximum flow of 2.2 gallons per minute, how can we possibly go wrong? I've been in this business for thirty six years and I have never seen something so beautiful. When corporate gets their mitts on this beauty they'll be spraying loads like my grandson at prom."

Soup Strainer: Defined

Urban Dictionary defines "soup strainer" as A long moustache that hangs over the upper lip, tending to catch stray food particles as they travel into the mouth. Above are two shots that we here at USSS have been holding in our back pocket for many weeks. One of our in-house hunters has captured these incredibly risky and stunning shots of a soup strainer of monumental proportions not only catching food particles, but actually STRAINING SOUP! You will notice this portly gentleman, who happens to be enjoying an all-you-can-eat buffet, first acquiring his soup and then shoving it down his gullet. Extra points for his shiny, billiard ball head and tinted eyeglasses worn indoors.

Manuel The Manager's Mexican Moustache

Being a Senior Busboy Manager at the San Antonio Best Western has been a challenge for Manuel, considering his lack of Citizenship, lengthy criminal record, and complete deficiency of social skills. His nineteen year climb to the top has had many hurdles, but his commitment to the trade is unparalleled. On this warm summer evening, Manuel is training a newcomer, his cousin Antonio, who recently "relocated" from across the border in San Buenaventura, Mexico. After this intense twenty minute training session; which includes tasks such as restocking bread baskets, clearing dishes, and resetting tables; Manuel is planning on teaching Antonio the finer points of moustache trimming. Please note the attempted pencil moustache that was quite obviously rushed - most likely because Manuel was late for his shift.