Gloomy Gus

With a strong penchant for underage prostitutes and crystal meth, Gus figured that after a 62 hour binge of taking advantage of each one of his demons he should attempt repentance. Wearing the same outfit as he was when he first ventured out of his brother-in-laws' basement, Gus is well aware that the other churchgoing Christians of Caretta, West Virginia can smell the failure spewing from his pores. After ten minutes of sitting through a pedophile preaching about how terrible everyone else is, Gus realizes that he's starting to come down hard and he should probably get back to the fourteen-year-old escort he left rotting in the bathtub.

Jesus, James

Barely being able to support himself using the church pews as his walker, James here is not impressed with being summoned to attend a confirmation for his youngest nephew. Always an enabling and caring wife, Diane was able to coax him to this blessed event with a couple of "special" coffees and the promise of a few more this afternoon while he watches golf. As James works his way through his hangover, we have caught him in what is becoming a fairly common occurrence, where he gives each family member a piece of his mind by telling them exactly how he feels about them. Luckily for James, he is quickly being blacklisted by friends and family alike, and will die with only his wife and a bottle of Johnnie Walker by his side.

Why David, Why?

A question that has plagued Duster Hunters for the ages is the one that begs "why not just shave your whole fucking face?" David here spent last night sleeping on a park bench, using only the newspaper under his arm as his protection from the elements. For obvious reasons, David did not have an opportunity to properly groom himself before making his way to the LCBO as the doors opened to another glorious Tuesday. Back to our original pondering though; it is apparent that David spent at least one evening last week at the Salvation Army. They clearly had facilities for grooming. He chose however to only shave his neck, cheeks and chin, leaving the tickler up top. Perhaps it's for straining the shot of Ontario white wine he's about to enjoy. Maybe it's to impress the homeless women in his shanty town. The mystery continues, and I'm not sure we'll ever know...